To Rise Again
by Katherine Houghton Beckett
Summary: Summary – Kate struggled to contact Rick while recuperating at her father's cabin. Set between seasons 3 and 4, Caskett, and semi AU.


Summary – Kate struggled to contact Rick while recuperating at her father's cabin. Set between seasons 3 and 4, Caskett, and semi AU.

Thanks to my wonderful beta, Dmarx.

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**To Rise Again**

The days Kate Beckett spent recuperating from her shooting seemed never-ending. Every sunrise and sunset blended into one seemingly endless string of consciousness and scrambled thoughts. She was trying to heal, trying to get better, and trying to make sense of everything running through her head but it was much easier said than done.

She had almost died. Life had almost ended for her. She hadn't seen it coming. It had happened so suddenly. The sniper was quick, precise, and unseen. He laid in wait and almost robbed her of everything. And that unnerved her. Her existence could have been extinguished with the flash and pull of a trigger.

At the very least it had made her confront her own mortality. And now that she was being given a second chance, she wanted to make her life count. But at the same time, mourning the loss of Roy Montgomery, and the task of simply making it through one day at a time, continuously caused her to falter. To doubt herself. She was so used to taking action, but being able to do nothing other than recover and ponder recent events forced her to question her ability to make it past this terrible chapter in her life. And onto what came next.

Kate had needed to get away from everything; away from New York City, away from her friends, and colleagues. And away from him. From Castle.

She'd gone to stay at her dad's cabin in Lichfield Hills. A little log lodge tucked away in the middle of nowhere. It was right by the water, surrounded by trees, and peace, and tranquillity.

It was exactly what she needed; time and space to think and reflect. She liked to read outside while looking out over the lake, or go for short walks if her strength allowed it. And some days were easier than others. She had moments where she didn't think about that day. But on others it was all she could think about.

Presently, she was lying on the bed; a worn, tattered book rested forgotten at her side. She stared up at the ceiling with a patchwork quilt draped loosely over her waist. Her fingertips idly stroked at the soft material as she listened to her haunted thoughts and the chirping crickets in the grass outside.

The quiet stillness of the country had served as comforting and soothing when she had first arrived, but now it was deafening. She almost craved the chaos and bustle of life in the city. Because right now, she desperately needed the distraction it provided.

Kate sucked in a deep breath, inhaling through her nose, and hoping the air would calm her. Enveloped in silence and wide awake, she kept reliving that day over and over in her mind. She remembered being shot, falling onto the grass, feeling the pain come alive from her chest.

She remembered how the chilling realization that she was dying slowly tingled up through her. She remembered him holding her in his strong arms as her shock caused her to crumble. She remembered looking into his kind, sad blue eyes.

"Kate. I love you. I love you, Kate."

The words he had spoken. His secret, _their secret_, had filled her with stillness as she drew in what she had believed were her final moments on this earth.

Richard Castle loved her.

Kate lifted her hand slowly, brushing away her tears.

When she'd thought her life was fading and he'd whispered those words, she had found an inner peace. A sense of wholeness; she was loved, and she loved him back. She'd closed her eyes, and drifted away. She'd almost been content to leave the world altogether.

By a twist of fate, good or bad, she'd survived.

She was trying to embrace her second chance now. She had plenty of time to think, to analyse, and to make her life count for more.

She was damaged. She had been for far too long - since before the shooting, since she'd lost her mother. Losing her mom had almost destroyed both Kate and her father. Her mother's death had shattered her faith in the world and in justice, to a great extent. She'd built up a wall around her heart for fear of being hurt and left behind all over again.

And if she opened her heart up again, and lost someone else she loved, she didn't know how she'd cope.

In the weeks since her release from the hospital, she had begun to recognize that she is in fact afraid to open herself up to the possibility, and let herself be loved. Rick was right.

Kate hadn't spoken to Rick since he'd brought her flowers at the hospital, and she'd lied to him. She'd promised to call him but so far she hadn't found the strength to do so.

She wanted to call him every day. She missed him; he was never far from her mind.

She owed him an explanation; owed him for trying to save her as the sniper fired his shot.

She wanted to see him, but she didn't know what she would say to him. She didn't even know where to begin.

Kate hated feeling this way. She was so used to be strong and proactive. But now she felt weak and uncertain, both in her healing body, and in her own mind.

But she'd feel better if she tried to speak to him.

She sat up straighter on the bed, and a glimmer of the old Beckett determination flashed through her. She picked up the phone, holding it hesitantly between her fingertips. She had lost count of the number of times she'd picked up her cell, and stared at the shiny screen, before she lost her courage and put the phone down again.

This time she dialed his number.

Kate dialed his house number perhaps because she was hoping to take the safer option of talking to a machine. She could leave a message, and then Rick could choose whether to reply to her.

"Hello?" A voice sounded on the other end of the line. It was a woman's voice, and Kate's stomach churned for a split second.

"Hi," Kate replied.

"Kate?" It's Martha Rodgers; Kate cannot mistake the sound of the woman's voice. "Kate, how are you? Richard has been so worried about you. We all have." Rick's eccentric mother had always liked her, and Kate liked her back.

Kate smiled the woman's care and compassion overcoming her. "Thank you, Martha. I'm doing better."

"I'm glad."

"Is Rick there?" Kate chanced the question.

"He's at the station, Kate. He and the detectives are still trying to find your shooter."

At Martha's words, Kate reached up her free hand and touched that tender spot on her chest. She did want to have the shooter found and brought to justice. She was touched that Rick and the boys were still looking into it after so many weeks of not hearing from her; though she expected nothing less from her team.

"You could try calling his cell…," Martha suggested.

"No, I don't want to disturb him. Would you tell him I called?"

"Of course I will," Martha assured her. "Should I tell him anything in particular?"

"Tell him…," She wasn't sure what message to leave, so she simply told Martha where she was staying, and hoped that Rick would come to see her.

"I'll be sure to tell him," Martha said after pausing to note down Kate's address. "Take care of yourself, Kate."

Kate ended the call after saying goodbye. She set the phone back down on the nightstand, rested her head back down, and closed her eyes.

* * *

When Rick Castle first learned that Kate had requested to see him, he had wondered whether he should go or not. It had been weeks with no word from her, weeks of worrying, and searching for her shooter with Esposito and Ryan. It had hurt him that she hadn't called after she'd promised she would.

He'd watched her die. He'd seen the life literally drain out of her. He'd written about death many a time, and he'd seen dead bodies while he and Kate worked cases together; but seeing Kate lying there on the grass, watching her take her last breath, and fading away from him. That was different. That haunted him, and he still woke in the dead of night with that image burned into his mind.

He wanted to be mad at her. And part of him had been as the days turned into weeks, and there was no word from her.

He'd told her that he loved her. And Kate not talking to him had almost seemed like a breakup and a rejection all in one.

But after talking with his mom and knowing Kate wanted to see him; his bruised ego was overruled by his heart and his need to see her.

He had slept on it, gathering his thoughts before he prepared to take the trip to Lichfield Hills. Much to his mother's delight, and Alexis's mild disapproval, Rick took his car and drove out of the city to the address Kate had given.

After a lengthy drive navigating down rural winding roads, and constant referral to his sat-nav, he came to a stop beside the little log cabin nestled amongst the trees and nature.

Rick killed the engine and checked his hair in the mirror. He'd dressed in a blue button-down shirt and black slacks. He climbed out of the car, plucking up his offering of lilies, Kate's favorite, and strode up to the door.

Kate was already standing on the porch waiting to meet him. She was noticeably thinner than he remembered. She wore an oversized sweater, her face free from makeup, and her long brown hair was in a loose braid with curly tendrils framing her face. She had dark circles beneath her green eyes. She looked tired and fragile.

And yet to him she had never looked more beautiful. She was alive, and healing, and that was all that mattered to him.

"Hey," he said, resisting the urge to pull her into his arms and never let her go.

"Hey," Kate held back. She looked uncertain; her hands were buried deep her pockets. "Thank you for coming. I wasn't sure you would…."

"I'm just glad you called," he reassured her. It had been so long and he was just glad to see her again. "I wasn't sure you would…." He had begun to doubt she was going to contact him, and he'd wanted to be mad at her, but seeing her again, he knew that notion was over and done with.

"I brought you these," he stretched the flowers out toward her.

"Thank you." She took them gratefully and smiled. He was still the sweet man he'd always been. "Come on in."

Kate led the way inside the small, cozy, and quaint little cabin. It was decorated with antique furniture, lots of art, and colorful throws. It had a rustic feel. He noticed the collections of dusty, well-thumbed books. It wasn't what he, himself, was used to but he liked it. It was very Kate Beckett.

"Nice place," he told her, following her into the kitchen. He noticed how she walked a little slowly, she was obviously still in pain and not yet back to her full strength.

"Would you like some coffee?" Kate offered.

"Sure."

Kate nodded, and turning to the coffee maker, while Rick busied himself with putting the flowers in a vase.

"How are you?" Rick asked gently after setting the flowers in the center of the counter.

"I'm okay," she said quietly and Rick smiled a little. That was the Kate he knew, always trying to be strong and brave. "I'm healing."

"You're looking well." He remembered how sick and pale she'd looked back at the hospital. And he still remembered what it was like holding on to her while she laid on the grass after being shot.

Both times she'd looked too fragile, and it haunted him every single night that they'd been apart. Seeing her standing before him, with a little more of that familiar sparkle in her beautiful eyes, reassured him.

"Thanks," Kate turned to him after flicking on the coffee machine. She rested her hands on the smooth counter. "You look good too. How have you been?"

"Good," Rick replied and gave her a smile. He began to tell her how he was been working with Ryan and Esposito back at the precinct to find her shooter. While he relayed the details, Kate's attentions fell back to lilies in front of her, and away from him. Her eyes glazed over as her fingertips brushed against the silky smooth petals. He soon wondered whether talking about it was too much for her and he brought the one-way conversation to a halt.

"Beckett?" he uttered and she lifted her face to meet his gaze. "You okay?"

"Uh huh," she bobbed her head once, turning away from him, and back to the freshly brewed coffee.

Kate's hand was unsteady as she lifted the full coffee pot from its place on the coffee maker. She didn't even make it to pouring the coffee into the two mugs she'd placed on the counter-top. The pain in her chest stung from the simple movement and she winced.

Mercifully, Rick reached out his hand, his fingers curling around the pot's handle, as he took it from her. "Here, let me," he requested kindly, and to his surprise, she let him. She smiled crookedly, looping her loose strands of hair behind her ear. She looked partly ashamed by her lapse of strength, but also grateful for his help.

Kate watched as he took over, pouring her a coffee and adding in cream and sugar. She stared idly as the white fluid swirled and mixed into the brown liquid before it disappeared into the darkness.

"Thanks," she said after a beat, picking up her mug and taking a gulp. The tart bitter taste didn't settle well in her system. She swallowed it difficultly and hoped he doesn't notice.

After Rick made his own cup of coffee, Kate led the way out to the balcony where she'd been resting before she'd heard his car pull up. They sat down on the wooden chairs.

"It's beautiful here," Rick commented. With the seating area overlooking the water, and the low afternoon sun glistening on the surface, he could tell this was a good place for her to be right now.

"Yeah, my mom and dad used to bring me up here when I was a kid," Kate told him, cradling the coffee cup in her hands. She'd spent so many long summer nights here; she had so many wonderful, uncomplicated memories of her childhood.

They sat making small talk but after a while silence drifted in between them. Rick sipped at his beverage while Kate huddled beneath her blanket; it was a pleasantly warm day but she'd come to realize that she felt the cold more as she was healing.

The birds sang and she could hear the gentle splash of the water. It occurred to her that even though they hadn't seen each other in weeks, and there was still so much left unsaid between them, it was comforting and familiar just to have Rick at her side once again. She'd missed him, she'd thought about him every day, and although she'd been so nervous about their reunion, it was good to spend time with him.

For a few brief moments with nothing but the sound of nature, and his company, Kate felt safe and content.

"So how's Josh?" Rick enquired in a gentle tone, but reality quite literally hit Kate again at full force.

Rick saw her expression change and he almost wished those words hadn't come out of his mouth. He wasn't even sure why he'd asked that question. Of course he cared for her, and of course his pride and ego would rather Kate choose him, than stay with Josh.

"Actually we broke up." Kate admitted the truth and then stared out at the trees hoping he wouldn't press the matter any further.

"I'm sorry," Rick uttered. He might not have believed that Kate was in a relationship with the doctor for all the right reasons, but at the same time, he wanted her to be happy. She'd already suffered a near-fatal gunshot wound, and a break-up was something she could do without at this point.

"I really liked him, Castle," Kate's tone was soft and honest. She tilted her head back to his direction, allowing her eyes to meet with his. "But that wasn't enough."

Rick remained silent, so Kate continued. This was her chance to be frank, and give this man as many of her truths as she could voice at this point.

"After my mother was killed, something inside me changed. It's like I built up this wall," she confided in him what she'd spent many-a-sleepless-night mulling over. "And I don't know, I guess I just didn't want to hurt like that again. I know I'm not going to be the kind of person that I want to be, I know that I'm not going …."

Rick glanced up at her as she hesitated for a moment. But he still didn't speak, and she was grateful that she has the opportunity to be sincere with him.

"I'm not going to have the kind of relationship that I want until that wall comes down. And it's not going to happen until I put this thing to rest."

Quiet fell between them. Rick wore a look of focused concentration; he was still digesting the words she'd spoken. He silently promised himself that he would help her in any way that he could.

Kate shifted a little in her seat. She had more to say, and before she did she drew in a deep breath. The next part of her revelation could make or break them.

"I remember, Castle," Kate said quietly.

It took Rick a split second to process what she was saying, and once he did, he looked back into her lovely eyes.

"You remember? Everything?" His words were as tentative as her own.

"Yes, I..." She felt her tears start to build up behind a surface of nervousness, pain, and confusion. Her chest, the wound stung, reminding her of how close to death she had been. How lucky she was to still be alive and walking on this earth. "I remember everything."

Sometimes she wished she didn't. She lied before to protect herself. It had seemed easier to pretend that she didn't remember. And she managed to convince Rick, her dad, and everyone close to her that she didn't remember. If only she had the luxury of fooling herself, or the good fortune of making herself forget. But she didn't and how with Rick here, she owed it to both of them to be honest. To take that step forward, to heal their relationship, and maybe heal a little of herself.

Rick paused for a moment. She told him back at the hospital that she didn't remember anything. He wasn't altogether sure whether she had lied to him back then, or whether her memories had returned as she recovered.

"What I said," he begun, trying to be as honest with her as she was being with him. "We dance around it, we pretend it isn't there, we avoid it, but when I thought you were..."

"When you thought I was dying," Kate finished the sentence that he couldn't bring himself to complete. Rick nodded in a silent reply. She understood; he hadn't wanted her to die not knowing how he felt. And she remembered how, not so long ago, when they were trapped in that freezer, dying in each other's arms, she had felt the exact same way. She'd almost said those same three words.

She felt the same way that he did. She had for so long now. But something constantly held her back. The pain and the anger that she'd held within her since her mother's death stopped her from truly giving her heart to the man she loved. Having the time away from Rick, and New York, had made her see that.

"I'm not ready, Castle. I don't ..." Kate struggled to find the words, trying to be as honest with him as she could be for now. She didn't want him to be hurt, didn't want him to think that she was rejecting him. She chanced a look at him; his expression was fixed, a little unsure. "I really care about you, Rick. So much. I'm just asking for time... I need…."

"Kate…." He reached for her hand and she let him take it. He almost lost her but maybe he had a second chance. He loved her, and she was worth waiting for. He doubted there's a man alive on this earth who wouldn't wait for Kate Beckett. "I'm here."

"Promise?" She was asking him to wait if he could. She believed that they may have a chance together, but she wasn't in the right place to begin a relationship with him now. Not when she could envision a relationship with him going somewhere in the future, provided that she healed enough to give it her all.

"Always." He gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.

Kate smiled softly and whispered a thank you.

Rick stroked his thumb over her knuckles, and told her what he'd been aching to tell her since he'd seen her lying in that hospital bed after her surgery. "I'm so glad you're okay."

"Me too," Kate nodded, tears prickling behind her eyes. She'd been carrying around the burden of wanting to avenge her mom's death for so long that she'd forgotten the girl she used to be; the idealistic girl who was happy, and lived and loved life to its fullest. She wanted that girl back again.

And she wanted to continue to do good in her career, to make life, even after the death of a loved one, better for the others left behind in the wake of the tragedies that no one prevented.

"Hey, come here," Rick moved to her and held her close. It was a rare thing for him to see Kate Beckett close to tears. He didn't like to see any woman cry, especially one that he was in love with. He wanted to take all Kate's pain away. He couldn't, but he could be there for her.

He just held her and Kate buried her face in his shirt. He'd almost lost her, he'd come frighteningly close to missing out on his chance with her altogether. He could wait. He would help her mend. As long as she was here on this earth he can wait as long as necessary.

Rick assured her they would do this together. He reminded her that she was the one who honors the victims, and he told her that she was strong enough to beat this. And she wanted to believe him. She had to believe in something, and why not the man who had brought light and hope into her life once again? Her mom had always taught her to believe in truth, justice, and love. And Richard Castle represented all of those things and more.

So she placed her faith in him, and the promise of a better tomorrow.

She placed her faith in the man she loved.

~ fin

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Thank you for your time.


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